Warts and all


I had a moment the other morning. You know the kind? A “Mother of the Year” moment.

I’m telling you this because I used to think that mothers of large families were different. I used to think they had a special gift, a special patience, a special temperament. That they were “good with children,” whereas I wasn’t.  I used to think that mothers of large families found joy in the little aggravations of motherhood, whereas I found exasperation. I used to think that they had boundless patience and energy, whereas I ran out of both shortly after getting up in the morning.

I am now one of those mothers. I have 8 children including a pair of twins. I am expecting my 9th child in the spring of 2014. I am a member of the large family club although I expect someone to knock at my door and revoke my membership any day. Mothers of large family are inspirations. They make people think they can do it too. I don’t think anyone looks at me that way. Or maybe they look at me and think: “Yeah… let’s not and say we did.”

Mothers of large families have moments too. Moments like the other morning, when my 4 year-old woke-up just a little too early. I dragged my sorry behind to the kitchen to help her with breakfast before she could wake-up the twins. No luck: I heard one baby stir and thought that I may be able to nurse him back to sleep for another hour or two. I hurried to prepare my daughter’s bowl of cereal before the crying twin could wake-up his sister. Doing so, I inadvertently poured the milk instead of letting her do it. We’ve all done this right? Except that the difference between you and I is that you only have two children: I’ve had 17 years to learn these lessons and I still screw-up.

I am nursing one baby to the sound of a major melt down in the kitchen. She is screaming like her arm has been chewed-off by a shark. The second baby starts waking-up. I return the first baby to his bed and leave the room. Return to the kitchen and that’s when I had my “moment”. I grabbed my daughter by the arms, sat her down a little too firmly in front of her bowl of cereal and told her to stop screaming. Actually, I may have told her to shut-up. I did not threaten to tape her mouth shut with duct tape although the fleeting though may have crossed my mind. My entire day was going up in smoke: the twins up before 6 am meant that they would certainly fall asleep in the car when I left for errands at 9; the short car nap would certainly knee-cap the afternoon nap; no afternoon nap means no work in the afternoon; no afternoon nap means a hellish supper time; a hellish supper time makes everybody cranky and uncooperative. And I dumped all this squarely on my 4 year-old’s shoulders. Because yeah, she should know, right?

By now, I was back nursing my second twin back to sleep but my daughter was no longer screaming: she was wailing and sobbing for a hug. And from upstairs, stuck nursing in the dark, my heart sank. My child is only 4 and her need for affection and affirmation is gigantic. Not that my other children’s needs are less significant. But this particular child feels everything keenly. The frustration of having the milk poured for her but also her mother’s disapproval and anger. The firm arm grab, the harsh tone of voice, they just broke her apart. And now, I was at a loss to understand how after parenting so many children for so many years, I could still let a 4 year-old get the best of me.

I did give her a big hug. And I did apologize. Later that evening, as we were reading bedtime stories and cuddling in bed, I still felt the sting of failure but she didn’t seem to remember. We read about the wolf and the seven kids, naming each kid after her siblings, puzzling as always over who would be left out (all the kids are swallowed whole by the wolf so it’s a blessing really.) My little tantrum of the morning seemed all but forgotten.

In the balance of our parenting, we all hope that the happy, cozy, moments, the ones that we share around a bedtime story or a family walk in the park will outweigh the moments when we lose it. That’s why we need to love and cherish our children at every opportunity. So that on the whole, they’ll remember their childhood as a happy one, and their parents as loving. I don’t know yet how my children will remember me: a loving mom or a tired old hag with a short fuse? Maybe it will be a bit of both.

I used to parent with very clear goals and expectations in mind. I still parent with vision. But the minute expectations about my children’s table manners and church etiquette have given way to a broader vision of happiness and respect for themselves and others. If I can’t be a perfect parent, I will cover my imperfections with an extra layer of love and forgiveness. I hope that my children will remember the love over the imperfections. Warts and all.

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3 thoughts on “Warts and all

  1. Barker, Debbie

    Hey Vero,

    I hope this reply reaches you as your email address has disappeared from my outlook history (as has every other shortcut I ever counted on since IT updated my operating system!)

    This made me cry … at work. Beautifully written, it was like you pulled the feelings out of me and I only have two to deal with. I was groaning when you wrote about the nap timing and how that dictates the rest of the day. For what it’s worth, I think you are awesome in every way and seeing your kids – I can’t imagine them thinking anything other than that J I look at your twins and think, how lucky they are to grow up in such a close family environment. It always reminds me of your family when I see Chloe and Zach running and playing amongst “The Great Eight”, which is what my brother calls my parents’ 8 grandkids. They are 10, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2 and 2 and this will be our first Christmas in forever where we are not being entertained at the dinner table with babies in jolly jumpers J I love your picture of the kids are laying in a circle, with the pic taken from above. I want that pic of our great 8. We have one of the kids, just like that, before Chloe and Zach arrived and there always seems to be 1 or 2 of the 8 that just refuse to cooperate. Duct tape anyone??

    Cheers, Debbie

  2. Firstly, a massive congratulations on your pregnancy. Such wonderful news!

    This is such an honest and thought-provoking piece. Much of it resonates with me. Thanks.

  3. Véronique, congratulations on your pregnancy! You are truly a Superwoman.

    And you have totally won me over with your prose – you write with such fresh humor, keen insight and effortless, down-to-earth tone that no matter what you are writing about, it is always a rich and rewarding read.

    This was a great post. At least you have many good reasons for blowing a fuse here and there, including the fact that you are a sleep-deprived pregnant mother of 8! I blow my fuse quite a bit without any such extenuating circumstances.

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